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Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

And the worst…

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

Very funny


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Very good (some of them)
Lez

Should have labelled the heading worst and worst, may not have wasted two minutes of my precious time reading them then
Didn't even smirk

[quote=""535dboy""]Should have labelled the heading worst and worst, may not have wasted two minutes of my precious time reading them then
Didn't even smirk[/quote]

Still sulking about your tax return? You are turning into a misserable old man

[quote=""pvr""][quote=""535dboy""]Should have labelled the heading worst and worst, may not have wasted two minutes of my precious time reading them then
Didn't even smirk[/quote]

Still sulking about your tax return? You are turning into a misserable old man [/quote]

Not if I can pull of this little deal this years tax won't be a problem but next years will be even worse!

You have to admit those jokes were shit

Heard these on radio 1 the other morning and for one liners i thought some were pretty good

[quote=""535dboy""][quote=""pvr""][quote=""535dboy""]Should have labelled the heading worst and worst, may not have wasted two minutes of my precious time reading them then
Didn't even smirk[/quote]

Still sulking about your tax return? You are turning into a misserable old man [/quote]

Not if I can pull of this little deal this years tax won't be a problem but next years will be even worse!

You have to admit those jokes were shit[/quote]

Its not the jokes he just dont like me!

Believe me when i say ...if you turn up at the meet in that new bueaty ...none of us will like you due to jealousy

[quote=""x555""]Believe me when i say ...if you turn up at the meet in that new bueaty ...none of us will like you due to jealousy [/quote]

Will that be in 2011?

well depends on what calender you follow

[quote=""pvr""]Will that be in 2011? [/quote]

As a Mod, you could have put that down as no. 11 in the list

[quote=""Chompers""][quote=""pvr""]Will that be in 2011? [/quote]

As a Mod, you could have put that down as no. 11 in the list [/quote]


Yeah the funniest thing in the whole thread !