One Liners
Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:53 pm
1) A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
2) I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
3) I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot.
4) I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
5) A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
6) My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
7) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
8] I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."
9) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale.
10) Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
11) Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
12)I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
13) A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
Smile
2) I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
3) I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot.
4) I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
5) A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
6) My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
7) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
8] I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."
9) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale.
10) Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
11) Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
12)I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
13) A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
Smile
