Do you have auto headlights? Look for a dipped headlight symbol with an 'A' in it on the light switch. If you do and your intermittent wipers aren't working look at the top centre of the outside of the windscreen and you should see a small purplish 'window' in the area where the mirror sits. That window must be absolutely clear. If it isn't then you either need a new windscreen or take the mount off inside and remove all the sealant/glue and try remounting the light sensor with very clear silicon.
There is no lights on buzzer, but you should hear a 'gong' telling you if you accidentally (or deliberately) leave them on. If you have the high level system then you should also see 'Lights On' in the display above the steering wheel. Other than these there are no lights in symbols, but yes the instrument panel lighting should be on if the lights are.
Two fuse boxes. One is above the glovebox - built into the top of it with a couple of twist catches to release it, and the other is in the rear right cubby in the boot. If you only have four speakers then you have the basic system. It might be amp failure.
How many speakers have you got? DSP equipped cars have two per door plus high level tweeters on the dash corners plus a sub in the boot as a minimum. The Amp is in the boot under the spare wheel down by the battery. Check there is no water in that area either. Look for getting BM24 or BM54 amps repaired on the forum.
PDC sensors need listening to to see if they are 'clicking'. If not then you need a new transponder. Look on the forum for PDC errors and how to resolve them.
Richard
Never anthropomorphise computers. They hate that.