To think a bulb swap could be a workshop task is laughable but not funny

I have learned, thank you. I am baffled how online tutorials show H8 extraction from the rear. Even the handbook shows that

I should have looked before, 2009 car, 2009 dated manual shows this.

Confused for sure

This is not one of BMW's best efforts in design and accessability
My E70 has halogen lights first winter I realised just how poor they can be I read many reports of E53's with halogen lights that were bad (both mine were Xenon) well BMW managed to somehow make the E70's worse !! My wifes Subaru ...

Adjusting my life now i'm basically single again. And when i eventually sell my home here, I'll probably just relocate to Greece where the X5 and its condition will be better suited. If i took the X6, it would break my heart to see a near perfect car be scraped and bumped whenever parked in town. A ...

Hello too, but this is an old thread. Better start a new 'hello' thread i'd have thought

None that i saw.

The car has some history at a Mach 1Autocentre, a Bosch company, as well by coincidence. There's no invoice for the Bosch battery fitted in the car, but I'll check if they supplied and fitted one from its registration.

It will have to wait a while, though, other things have to ...

All positive battery connections are good.

I've looked for nearby Bosch centres and will visit one after my upcoming travelling.

Ill look for a Bosch centre in the near future. I have some travelling to under take soon, time is tight.

The car received a lovely clear mint windsreen today, part of the purchase agreement. Best part of the car right now

All the radio functions are A1 so no progress. I have a bad feeling about BMW scanning the car. Prophets of doom will possibly see the car or me scrapped!

Good point to check the plethera of wiring attached to the battery. I have fully disconnected it once, but i will check it again for anything ...

I think the likely culprit must be the diversity jobbie. When i asked the seller if the battery had been coded, he said he didnt know. Its on my to do list. Its a Bosch so it wasn't a cheapy compromise. But as you suggest, a battery swap shouldn't mess with any other components.

I'll try the radio ...

The dash switch happily activates the locking process. Its now obvious, i think, that the key/s are not communicating with the car?

Budget cars bringing issues is no surprise. Had a moble key guy out today, very, very long six hours here, including a reset of a module from under the drivers side dash*resulted in now having two keys, one shiny new one but neither will unlock the car remotely. £250 poorer to end up where i started ...

As ever, many thanks. Having poked around on YouTube, almost inevitably, it suggests the battery in the sealed key has died. There are the invetable tutorials for replacing it. Cutting open the key is probably not the hardest task, but one skill I have never mastered is soldering, or is that ...

...with a bump. Its a 2009 30d in far from pristine nick but equally far from bad nick. I will administer my TLC over time and see what improvements i can make. It has some issues.

I knew the remote was a problem. Since a new battery, (allegedly) the car not the remote, the remote will start the ...